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Boozing Lifestyle |
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The lure of the kebab  Drunken man’s faithful survival instincts always kick in at about 2 or 3 AM. Having spent the evening consuming copious amounts of booze, the trip to your friendly local kebab house is always recommended to boost energy levels and line your stomach in preparation for that chilled bottle of Absolut that is sitting in the freezer at home. British Booze recommends that you be on your absolute best behaviour in kebab houses, would you really want to upset somebody who has a jar of fiery chillies, red-hot coals and a metre long sword within reach? The offerings from kebab shops vary in quality greatly, although one’s judgment can be impaired by drinking lots of booze. A decent Kofte, Doner or Shish kebab can be a delicious feast. Doner meat can be very deceptive however. In fact, it can be anything at all. Drunken man uses primeval hunter-gatherer skills in acquiring kebab morsels. If you end up eating something that resembles a road-kill, you’ll probably try to find something better next time, or just drink more neat Scotch in preparation.  Respect your kebabs once you’ve bought them  A man destroyed on booze always devours a kebab with glee and great haste, so it is important to be careful to not spill it all over the floor. There is also a definite art in being able to walk (or stagger) home whilst eating the kebab. Rumour has it that a certain founder member of British Booze once went to such a length to save a kebab, that as he was falling over intoxicated on a grassy roadside verge he twisted, and landed face-up in a muddy puddle, skillfully cradling the kebab and keeping it skyward. The dry-cleaning bill for the suit he had just ruined was more than made up for by the fact that he had saved a truly delectable meal from the fate of ‘the floor’. Other associates of British Booze have even been known to sleep with a kebab on the pillow. Not that bad, except the first thing this particular gentleman said, the following morning, was ‘ah…breakfast in bed’. The Seven Second Rule  Have you ever dropped part (or all) of a kebab on the pavement whilst being in a state of drunkenness? Well fear not, for under the ‘rules of British Boozing’, if an article of food has been on the floor for less than SEVEN SECONDS, it doesn’t count. So the next time you reach to pick up that delightful yellow chilli you just dropped from the top of your Doner, feel no shame. How to reduce food shopping bills so you can buy more booze  Most seasoned boozers detest food shopping. Long fortnightly trips to the supermarket often result in you gnawing your own fist off in frustration (until you get to the booze aisle). These trips can be averted by living close to a supermarket, where quick daily visits in the evening (via the pub) allow you to grab all of the provisions going out of date. The current contents of the British Booze fridge-freezer consist of about 80 sausages, several packets of sausage rolls, a dozen Ginsters Steak wraps, a pork joint, a gammon joint, 36 Thomas The Tank Engine strawberry yoghurts and 6 Chinese/Indian microwave meals. Most of these articles of food cost between 11p and 57p each (i.e 25% of their original price). Most of them are reasonably easy to cook too. Students take note, you cheapskate bums. As an added bonus, as you have to freeze everything, your fridge will be free of space so you can fill it up with cans of beer. Hoorah!! How to EAT booze  There are many different ways to attempt this, however try to avoid anything that involves too much physical cooking, as the temperature will destroy the booze. An excellent boozing menu:
Some of the items listed require to be eaten in extremely large quantities, as they contain negligible amounts of booze, although they can all be ‘perked up’ by adding more. Curry - food of the gods  A more sophisticated boozing delicacy. Curries can be enjoyed before, after and during boozing sessions. You do not have to be completely mashed to enjoy a decent curry (unlike a kebab, where being nailed is generally a pre-requisite to enjoyment). The restaurant owners tend to be extremely polite and will even give you free poppadoms and onion if you look particularly ruined. Drunken man still leans towards choosing as hot a curry as possible. Vindaloo should really be abbreviated to 'Indaloo'. Quote from the menu of our local Caledonian road New Didar; 'Chicken Tikka Masala - popular with The Lads after a night out on the local'. Very true. The great Chicken Tikka Masala was actually invented in the UK - most probably by somebody who was drunk. Great stuff. Bar Snacks  An excellent way to gauge the quality of a boozer or private party is to observe (and consume) the selection of bar snacks available. The drunken man often has a tremendous appetite, so bar snacks provide an excellent energy source to keep you going until Bosphoros Kebabs open. In Crisps, Scampi Fries and Twiglets Out Prawns |
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