Boozing Etiquette

Alcohol makes you wittier and more funny to others

Contrary to popular belief, people love a proper drunken cad. A keen sense of humour always makes up for a shoddy appearance and an inebriated state of mind.

Bouts of spontaneous and sustained laughter (preferably extremely loudly and heartily) are a perfect way to break the ice at poncy dinner-parties, or even better, on rush-hour trains full of moody commuters.

People also tend to find this even more funny if you laugh for no apparent reason, although be wary of keeping sustained eye contact with anybody, or else they may slap you over the head with their Financial Times or call British Transport Police.

How to booze properly on British Rail

Fortunately most British Booze, sorry, British Rail trains now have a buffet car or guards van which can serve as a temporary bar, where experienced boozers congregate and drink beer from cans in the mail/bike carriage whilst discussing the finer points in life (i.e. where the best pubs are, and how they wish they could be in one right now, instead of on train journey that was faster 100 years ago).

British Booze should consider writing to British Rail, requesting a full conversion of a car on every train into a mini-pub with a proper bar and beer on tap for thirsty commuters.

This would even act as an incentive for people to use public transport, the Government would benefit from the increased revenue and drunken men would no longer feel guilty when their wives or partners phone up and accuse “you’re not on the train, you’re in the pub again aren’t you?! - you pissed bastard!!”.

Considering the length of time an average journey from Guildford to London Waterloo takes by South West Trains, perhaps a launderette and a 4 course French restaurant would be a good idea too.

How to booze at family social occasions

Everybody’s in the same boat, i.e. nobody wants to be there at all.

Desperately trying to hold your temper (and wine glass), after explaining to your grandmother that you don’t live in a tree-house any more, you have to sit and listen to your parents and older relatives discussing inheritance tax and how it’s such a shame the younger generation of their family seem to have no morals, spending all their time on the internet creating dubious websites advocating extreme boozing and debauchery, whilst your second cousin is apparantly applying for a degree in Evolutionary Genetics at Imperial College London.

In the face of adversity, boozing chaps unite for each other very quickly. I remember the words of my Great Uncle Marmaduke, last Christmas; “quick pint in The Fox & Fiddle young chap?? - this occasion reminds me of the time I was captured by the Germans in the Second World War”.

Snoozing whilst boozing

Well, one member of British Booze is notorious for falling asleep ‘on the job’.

Shameful behaviour generally, as it means that your companions will be ahead in the boozing stakes, and will ridicule you for your ‘light-weightedness’ and do nasty things to you when you are asleep.

There are exceptions to the rule:

• You are in a kebab shop and are sitting down
• You are at home watching television (most proper drinking cads have learnt the art of boozing whilst unconscious on the couch)
• You’re at a nightclub and the DJ’s are playing YMCA, Spice Girls or ‘UK Garage’.
• You are at a family social event, including your niece’s Christening.

A proper drinking man never, ever falls asleep in the pub. Boo hiss!!

Women’s clothes shopping

Not much to say here other than is quite obvious. This is a photograph of a pub in Guildford town centre in the morning during the first day of the January 2004 sales.

Boozing with work colleagues [submitted by anonymous KPMG employee]

If you think that your management may be taking issue with the fact that you spend nearly all your time at work on websites like www.britishbooze.org.uk, or that you seem to take 3 hours to have lunch, then it is probably a good idea to behave appropriately at any works related functions.

Laugh loudly, belch, tell foul jokes and drink neat vodka with ice in pint glasses. If anybody of the opposite sex points to your hardcore boozing in admiration (or even disgust), then tell them that most things in life are better when they are stripped to their naked form.

Challenge the MD’s wife to a game of Tequila shots “ah come on treacle…you know the rules…off with it!!”.

If you can, order vegetarian food for people who come from South Africa, tell people from Norway or Japan that whale-meat is ‘off tonight’, and give the Office Gimp a tip and pretend he’s a waiter.

Tell the board of directors that you think that the company’s management ‘couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery’ (although you’ve suddenly thought of an excellent team-building exercise), and that all company computers should come with British Booze screensavers and Pirelli Calendar desktops, as standard.

Boozing makes you funnier and more attractive to members of the opposite sex

Supposedly, a contentious issue. Women’s magazines and crap daytime TV shows suggest that you’re most likely to meet your ideal partner at work, on the tube or in a supermarket.

Bollocks.

Your natural home, the pub, is the ideal ground to stalk your prey. Apart from impressing the impressionable with your hilarious drunken laughter, amazing wit, and caddish elaborations about what you really do for a living, you are in the perfect environment for the demonstration of your amazing boozing ability, surrounded by applauding members of your elite drinking Mafioso.

A colossal boozer is instantly appealing to potential partners. Look at the great drinking legends Russell Crowe, Oliver Reed and George Best. When you’re nailed, you are more relaxed, affable and your sense of humour is as sharp as Anne Robinson’s lawnmower blades.

How to dance properly when nailed

Forget it. For starters, real boozers do not dance.

Never, ever dance in a pub, even if you’re convinced that Sasha is behind the decks in the corner. You’re not going to impress anybody with your Saturday night fever antics in ‘The Spread Eagle’, get back to the bar where your expertise can be more properly applied.

However, if you’re on public transport, this rule does not apply. You are providing an excellent free entertainment service to the community. Sometimes British Transport police officers will even stand and watch. Hoorah!

Getting naked in public

The ultimate boozing statement. Generally not recommended, unless you are sure that nobody’s about at your ‘starting point’. It is best to give your clothing to a friend who will stand a few streets away (if you promise to provide them with plenty of booze). Hide in an alley for a few minutes, then leg it from the mob of shocked pedestrians and waiting police officers as quickly as possible. The lack of clothing, and general fear of arrest, often aid the aerodynamics of the running boozer. Extra points are awarded if you, en route, go in and out of revolving doors at department stores or primetime television studios.

If your friend is a good friend (and proper boozer), he’ll almost definitely never be in the spot you pre-arranged to meet at. At times like this, drunken man’s survival instincts kick in. Look for the nearest boozer, if your ‘mate’ isn’t in there, you’ll at least get a few free drinks from the landlord or ladies out on a hen-night.

Choose your ‘marathon’ route carefully. Although the Trafalgar Square fountains or an outdoor ice-rink may look very tempting, expect a rapid exit in handcuffs and pray that the police officer involved is equipped with a suitably large hat, otherwise you’ll have to suffer the humiliation of grannies and homeless people pointing and laughing at your freezing body parts.

Boozing on your own

Supposedly, the perpetual sign of alcoholism. However, most colossal boozers tend to be adept social animals, so drinking by one’s self is nothing to be ashamed of, as it allows you to have a break and contemplate life from a quiet solitary perspective for a change. It also allows you to practise your ‘transferable skills’ for the evening in the Pig & Whistle.

If you are working creatively or studying for an ‘Arts’ qualification, you may benefit from the broadened sense of awareness, sharpened sense of humour and expanded imagination. This will inspire you and increase productivity.

A quiet beer in the sunshine can allow the ‘man of leisure’ to contemplate life and relax. Besides if you own a dog, you already have ‘man’s best friend’ by your side, so fill up the old chap’s dog-bowl with some Old Speckled Hen and tell jokes.